I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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