This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
