Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He had one of those small greek statue penises
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
