Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i barfeds in our rink
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I want a musical about memes.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
