I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
