i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
