So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
