I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
