Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
