Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
