Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
