i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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