just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
When are your genitals available?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
