i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
