You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I supernannyed him into submission
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
