Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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