someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
