You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
