Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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