Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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