At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
