if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
