my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
