3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
