Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
