you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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