what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
