Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
