dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
