Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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