remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
