Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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