I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
