I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
