we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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