There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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