whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
