too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
