I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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