i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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