I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
