Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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