I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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