Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
