my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
