why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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