Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
