that's an acceptable place to lick
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
