The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
bring money and cleavage
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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