she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
