Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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