apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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