I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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