I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
